Like most single men in the 30-50 age bracket, I have some history. In my mid-twenties I had this wild “on-off” relationship with a woman I met by chance in a club one night. The night before I was due to leave on an around the world trip in fact.

We spent quite a few years being together, breaking up, and finding our way back together again. She became pregnant and we moved in together. We did our best to make things work, but the truth was, as much as we cared for each other, we did not belong together in the same four walls.

After several years of trying to make it work, I gave her six months to find a new place and move out. Today, several years later, we both spend a lot of time with our daughter and we get on much better now than we ever did living together.

Given up

It was that time directly after we split up that is what I want to talk about today. At that time, I genuinely believed that I had had my one real chance at a long term relationship and I had blown it. No woman would ever by interested in me now. Never particularly attractive to begin with, I now had more grey hairs than I wanted and no idea how to find love.

“If I believed that I could achieve whatever I wanted in every other part of my life, why should I accept that finding love was any different?”

Of course I tried online dating. After a few frustrating months where I achieved absolutely nothing, I felt I had proved myself correct. My shelf-life was over. I was no longer “date-able”.

After moping around and feeling sorry for myself for a couple of weeks7monts, a thought occurred to me: I was telling myself, that finding love was a game of chance and that there was nothing that I could do to change that.

Then I asked myself, in what other important part of my life was I prepared to accept that there was nothing that I could do to achieve what I wanted?

  • Work: No. I believe that if I work hard and do a good job, then I can expect to have fun, do work that I enjoy or value and earn a good living (and I do!)
  • Get the home I wanted: No. I had just completed building that house that I wanted to live in, in an area that I loved
  • Sports: No. In both Tae-Kwon-Do and dancing, I pushed myself to be as good as I possibly could be
  • The list goes on…

If I believed that I could achieve whatever I wanted in every other part of my life, why should I accept that finding love was any different?

This was a real wake-up call for me. I was suddenly genuinely convinced that dating was no different to anything else that I wanted to succeed at. I just didn’t know how to do it … yet.

What I discovered is that dating is a skill like any other. You can learn it. And I can teach you how it is done…